The Reason for God

Due to my busy schedule in May / June, my reading has taken a back seat until the last couple of weeks. To end my reading fast, I pick up Tim Keller's The Reason for God: Belief in an Age of Skepticism. (Here is a link to the book's website.) Dr. Keller leads the Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan. He planted this church some 15 years ago and the congregation averages over 5000 each week. His strength is communicating the gospel to a multi-cultural, postmodern society -- and this is the purpose of his book.

At this junction, I would like to draw the opinion of Mark Meynall and his review of the book. (I admit it. I'm too lazy to reinvent the wheel.) He makes four points:

• It is very readable - in fact it is basically a précis of countless conversations Keller has had with various archetypal Manhattan sceptics. The standard format is "X asked me this… and Y asked me that …"; "and this is how I answered them…". So it is not exposition as such (a small point is that the book could have benefited from more explicit biblical material), but it is fair to say that it is thoroughly 'bibline'!**
• The format is not accidental - because the aim of this book is to tackle all the big ones that people ask - or rather, all the big ones that sophisticated New Yorkers ask. So it may be that these are not necessarily the questions your friends are asking. So for example, the American political context (with its caricatures of 'liberal left' and 'religious/evangelical right') is such that it is necessary to say more about how the gospel transcends these boundaries - in our more secular European settings, the presenting issues are slightly different. But i would think that there are few questions out there that have not been addressed in some shape or form by this book.
• It is full of thought-provoking angles and arguments, and helps to put things on the front foot by exposing the flaws in current thinking.
• Keller has read deeply and widely - and it shows. By that I don't mean that he does this in a showy way - it is all very constructive and handled with a very light touch. So it is not like reading one of those doorstops in which there seems to be footnote for every line or Notes pages taking up more space than the main book. The point is that Keller is constantly tapping into popular culture and secular thinking in order to engage. I am convinced that this is both fundamentally necessary for us all as we seek to communicate to our culture and provides a very strong model. I think this is particularly powerful in his articulation of the problem of sin (a more unpalatable or culturally incorrect subject one could perhaps not find these days!).

Keller's book is a great read and shows us that it is very possible to reach today's postmodern generation.

The Shack

I just finished reading The Shack: Where tragendy confronts eternity by William Paul Young. Although I had heard about the book in the states, it was our youth pastor here in Germany that recommended and loaned it to me. And boy...what a surpise!

Although it is a novel, it is an extremely theological work that investigates the doctrine of the trinity and how the inter-relatedness of the Godhead should be our leitmotiv in our earthly interpersonal relationships. And then a good discussion ensues of man's free will and "where is God when it hurts." Although it's theological in every way, it is even more so pastoral.

I'm sorry to sound abstract in describing the book. But then again, great books are never superficial.

The Simple Church

One of the great things about being on the road is the opportunity to do some reading while in transit. During our recent trip to Cleveland (TN), I saw a book at Pathway Bookstore that caught my attention. The Simple Church by Thom Rainer and Eric Geiger.

To be honest, most of the writing was done by Geiger and Rainer was his mentor in a research project. Although they do a well grounded statistical study, Simple Church is an extremely readable and sensible book about church growth.

Geiger and Rainer found a statistical relationship between growing churches and the simplicity of a church's process of discipleship. Below is a brief outline of the book. In the second half of the book, one chapter is dedicated to each of the four points.

---

A simple church is designed around a straightforward and strategic process that moves people through the stages of spiritual growth. The leadership and the church are clear about the process (clarity) and are committed to executing it. The process flows logically (movement) and is implemented in each area of the church (alignment). The church abandons everything that is not in the process (focus).

• Clarity – the ability of the process to be communicated and understood by the people.
• Movement – the sequential steps in the process that cause people to move to greater areas of commitment. (It is how someone is handed off from one level of commitment to a greater level of commitment.
• Alignment – the arrangement of all ministries and staff around the same simple process. Without alignment, the church can be a multitude of sub ministries. In this case, each ministry has its own leaders who are only passionate about their specific ministry. They rarely identify with the entire church but are deeply committed to their own philosophy of ministry. As a result, everyone is competing for the same space, resources, volunteers, and time on the calendar.
• Focus – commitment to abandon everything that falls outside of the simple ministry process. That often means saying “no.” Focus does not make church leaders popular.

• 
  

Axiom

While traveling in the Ukraine, I was able to read Bill Hybel's Axiom which, as the subtitle suggests, is filled with leadership proverbs. This is a collection of 76 pieces of advice grouped into four categories. What follows below is a few highlights in each of the four sections

Vision and strategy

• Language matters - The best leaders wrestle with words until they are able to communicate their big ideasx in a way that captures the imagination, catalyzes action, and lifts spirits. They coin creeds and fashion slogans and create rallying cries, all because they understand taht language matters.
  
• Make the big ask - Leadership is about asking. After casting bold visions, leaders ask people to help make them become reality.
  
• Vision leaks - You or I could deliver a mind-blowing, God-honoring, pulse-quickening vision that leaves everyone revved up to go change the world, but by Tuesday many people have forgotten they were even in church the previous weekend.
  
• Six-by-six execution - Focus on six challenges/tasks that you want to accomplish in the next six weeks.
  

Teamwork and communication

• The Three C-s - What are the criteria for hiring staff: character, competence and chemistry - in that order.
  
• Never say someone's "no" for them - In other words, don't presume people don't want to be a part of your team or support your vision. Ask them anyway, make them say yes/no.
  
• Pay attention to greetings and goodbyes - Make it a habit to do a personal, enthusiastic, genuine, warm, highly relation, look-you-in-the-eye greeting to every single person sitting around the table before I even think about starting the meeting.
  
• Disagree without drawing blood - Effective leaders do not fear passion. They welcome it. But from time to time passionate discussions digress into personal attacks, and real people get really hurt. In my view, leaders must head that off before it happens.
  

Activity and assessment

• Is it sustainable? - At some point along the way, leaders must ask themselves how many hills they realitically can ask their congregations to climb in a given time frame.
  
• Develop a mole system - My direct reports need to know that I have other sources than the ones sitting right in front of me week in and week out.
  
• Facts are your friends - Some pastors whose churches are dying don't want to know the objective racts of their situation because they are genuinely afraid the raw information will be more than their hearts could bear.
  
• Are we still having fun? - In leadership terms, we carry a responsibility to lead in such a way that those we lead are as freed up as possible to do their jobs from a place of life and peace.
  

Personal integrity

• Obi-Wan Kenobi isn't for hire - Don't look for one person to be the cure all mentor. Instead glean from many individuals, including many whom you may never meet personally or only for a limited amount of time.
  
• Always take the high road - Bless what you can bless. Thank everyone you can thank. Cheer on what is appropriate to cheer on. And be done with it. Don't leave by drawing blood.
  
• Read all you can - Leaders have a responsibility before God to constantly get better, and one of the most reliable ways to do so is to read.
  
• Lead something - The more varied the environments in which you exercise your leadership gift, the stronger that gift will become. Lead in your church, in your community, in various contexts. What you learn in one context may come in handy in other contexts.
  
• Finish well
  

Leadership is Everyone's Business - Leadership is Staying in Love

One of the good things about vacation is the chance to finally read a good book. In my case, it gave me a chance to finish off what I started reading several months ago. Below is my summary notes of the final chapter of Leadership Challenge by Kouzes and Posner.

Leadership is about relationships, about credibility, and about what you do.

You are the most important leader in your organization.
If you’re a manager in an organization, to your direct to reports you are the most important leader in your organization. You are more likely than any other leader to influence their desire to stay or leave, the trajectory of their careers, their ethical behavior, their ability to perform at their best, their drive to wow customers, their satisfaction with their jobs, and their motivation to share the organization’s vision and values.

If you’re a parent, teacher, coach or community leader, you are the person that’s setting the leadership example for young people. Not hip-hop artists, movie stars, or professional athletes.

The leaders who have the most influence on the people are those who are the closest to them. You have to challenge the myth that leadership is about position and power.

There is no escape: Leadership is everyone’s business. No matter what your position is, you have to take responsibility for the quality of leadership your constituents get. And because you are the most important leader to those closest to you, the only choice you really have is whether or not to be the best leader you can be.

Leadership is learned
The age old question: “Are leaders born or made?” Our answer: “Yes, of course!” All leaders are born – who wasn’t. What we do with what we have before we die is up to us.

It’s just pure myth that only a lucky few can ever understand the intricacies of leadership. Leadership is not a gene, and it’s not a secret code that can’t be deciphered by ordinary people. The truth is that leadership is an observable set of skills and ability that are useful whether one is in the executive suite or on the front line.

It’s not the absence of leadership potential that inhibits the development of more leaders, its’ the persistence of the myth that leadership can’t be learned. This haunting myuth is a far more powerful deterrent to leadership development than is the nature of the person or the basics of the leadership process.

Leaders make a difference
Leadership is applicable to all facets of life. If you are to become a better leader, you must first believe that leadership applies to you and that you can be a positive force in the world.

People working with leaders who demonstrate the Five Practices (KP) are significantly more satisfied with the actions and strategies of their leaders; they feel more committed, excited, and energized, influential, and powerful; and they are more productive. In other words, the more you engage in the practices of exemplary leaders, the more likely it is that you’ll have a positive influence on others in the organization.

First lead yourself
Leadership development is self-development. The instrument of leadership is the self, and mastery of the art of leadership comes from mastery of the self.

The quest for leadership is first an inner quest to discover who you are. Through self-development comes the confidence needed to lead. Self-confidence is really awareness of and faith in your own power.

Learning to lead is about discovering what you care about and value. As you begin this quest toward leadership, you must wrestle with some difficult questions:

• How certain am I of my own conviction about the vision and values?
• What gives me the courage to continue in the face of uncertainty and adversity?
• How will I handle disappointments, mistakes, and setbacks?
• What are my strengths and weaknesses?
• What do I need to do to improve my abilities to move the organization forward?
• How solid is my relationship with my constituents?
• How can I keep myself motivated and encouraged?
• What keeps me from giving up?
• Am I the right one to be leading at this very moment? Why?
• How much do I understand about what is going on in the organization and the world in which it operates?
• How prepared am I to handle the complex problems that now confront my organization?
• What are my beliefs about how people ought to conduct the affairs of our organization?
• Where do I think the organization ought to be headed over the next ten years?

Open yourself to a more global view. The leader is usually the first to encounter the world outside the boundaries of the organization. The more you know about the world, the easier it is to approach it with assurance. Thus, you need to learn as much as possible about the forces – political, economic, social, moral, or artistic – that affect the organization.

To be a leader, you must be interpersonally competent, and you must be able to develop the trust and respect of others.

Moral leadership calls us to higher purposes
Leadership practices per se are amoral. But leaders are moral or immoral. There’s an ethical dimension to leadership that neither leaders nor constituents should take lightly.

All exemplary leaders have wrestle with their souls. Such personal searching is essential in the development of leaders. You must resolve those dissonant internal chords. Extensive knowledge of the history and the outside world increases your awareness of competing value systems, of the many principles by which individuals, organizations, and states can choose to function. You can’t lead others until you’ve first led yourself through a struggle with opposing values.

When you clarify the principle that will govern your life and the ends that you will seek, you give purpose to your daily decisions. A leader with integrity has one self, at home and at work, with family and with colleagues. Leaders without integrity are putting on an act.

Leaders take people to places they’ve never been before. But there are not freeways to the future, no paved highways to unknown, unexplored destinations. One begins with the inner territory. We continue to discover that the most critical knowledge for all of us – and for leaders especially – turns out to be self-knowledge.

Humility is the antidote to hubris
Remember: You can do all of these leadership practices perfectly and still get fired. Moreover, any leadership practice can become destructive. Virtures can become vices.

The biggest problem, however, is hubris. In many all too subtle ways, it’s easy to be seduced by power and importance. All evil leaders have been infected with the disease of hubris, becoming bloated with an exaggerated sense of self and pursuing their own sinister ends.

Humility is the only way to resolve the conflicts and contradictions of leadership. You can avoid excess pride only if you recognize that you’re human and need the help of others. “Listen to what your colleagues have to say. They know more than you do.” Humility. It comes up time and again. Exemplary leaders know that “you can’t do it alone.” and they act accordingly. With self-effacing humor and generous and sincere credit to others, humble leaders get higher and higher levels of performance.

Leadership is in the moment
Leadership opportunities are presented to everyone. What makes the difference between being a leader or not is how you respond in the moment. Approach every interaction and every situation as an opportunity to lead.

Each day provides countless chances to make a difference. There are many moments each day when you can choose to lead, and many moments each day when you can choose to make a difference.

The secret to success in life
Followers look for leaders who demonstrate an enthusiastic and genuine belief in the capacity of others, who strengthen people’s will, who supply the means to achieve, and who express optimism for the future.

• remain passionate despite obstacles and setbacks
• with a positive, confident, can-do approach to life and business

Leaders must keep hope alive, even in the most difficult of times. Without hope there can be no courage. This is the time and place for optimism, imagination, and enthusiasm. Leaders must summon their will if they are to mobilize the personal and organization resources to triumph against the odds.

• Hope is essential to achieving the highest levels of performance.
• Hope enables people to transcend the difficulties of today and envision the potentialities of tomorrow.
• Hope enable people to bounce back even after being stressed, stretched, and depressed. Hope enables people to find the will and the way to unleash greatness.

And yet, hope is not all. There’s still one more less to be learned and it is the secret of success in life.

The secret of success is to stay in love. Of all the things that sustain a leader over time, love is the most lasting. It’s hard to imagine leaders getting up day after day, putting in the long hours and hard work it takes to get extraordinary things done, without having their hearts in it. The best kept secret of successful leaders is love: staying in love with leading, with the people who do the work, with what their organizations produce, and with those who honor the organization by using its products and services.

Leadership is not an affair of the head. Leadership is an affair of the heart.

Five Dysfunctions of a (Leadership) Team

Patrick Lencioni is one of my favorite authors. My favorite book of his to date is Five Dysfunctions of a Team. Although Lencioni writes for a secular audience - primarily for executive leadership teams, his insights are just as valid for teams within a church or ministry context. I have used his model to diagnose problems in both local churches as well educational institutions. I would go so far to say, it could be applied to every level of a denomination (international, national, state, and local).

Below is a brief summary of the model (as listed on his website).

Dysfunction #1: Absence of Trust
This occurs when team members are reluctant to be vulnerable with one another and are unwilling to admit their mistakes, weaknesses or needs for help. Without a certain comfort level among team members, a foundation of trust is impossible.

Dysfunction #2: Fear of Conflict
Teams that are lacking on trust are incapable of engaging in unfiltered, passionate debate about key issues, causing situations where team conflict can easily turn into veiled discussions and back channel comments. In a work setting where team members do not openly air their opinions, inferior decisions are the result.

Dysfunction #3: Lack of Commitment
Without conflict, it is difficult for team members to commit to decisions, creating an environment where ambiguity prevails. Lack of direction and commitment can make employees, particularly star employees, disgruntled

Dysfunction #4: Avoidance of Accountability
When teams don't commit to a clear plan of action, even the most focused and driven individuals hesitate to call their peers on actions and behaviors that may seem counterproductive to the overall good of the team.

Dysfunction #5: Inattention to Results
Team members naturally tend to put their own needs (ego, career development, recognition, etc.) ahead of the collective goals of the team when individuals aren't held accountable. If a team has lost sight of the need for achievement, the business ultimately suffers.

So...just how dysfunctional is your ministry team?

Actually, you can begin from the bottom up (i.e., invert the sequence). The lack of trust is often the root of all team dysfunction. Not surprisingly, we tend to highly esteem leaders we can trust and, conversely, hold in low regard those whom we don't trust.

Leadership is a Behavior, Not a Personaltiy

Here in St. Petersburg, all of the participants were given a copy of The Leadership Challenge by Kouzes and Posner. This was one of the first books I read on leadership when I began my Ph.D. studies at Regent -- and the book is truly a classic.

I was pleasantly surprised that my Russian colleagues received a Russian translation of the text (probably from the 3rd edition). And I even received the brand new 4th edition which has been updated to make it more compact with international in scope.

We began this week by taking an adapted version of the LPI (Leadership Practices Inventory, also by K&P) which helped each of to assess his own leadership strengths and weaknesses. Kouzes and Posner posit that good leaders are recognized universally by their practices -- their behaviors. And because leadership is not based on a certain personality, everyone can learn to become good leaders.

What makes The Leadership Challenge so good is that it is based on 25 years of data. Kouzes and Posner have used very large samples of people, in-depth questionnaires tested for reliability, and have made the summary statistics from their 2004 data set (8,500 cases for much of the analysis) available on their website. They frequently describe their findings as "evidence-based".

Noting that credibility is the absolute foundation for the rest of the model, Kouzes and Posner describe five key practices for leadership. Good leaders...

1. Model the Way - Leaders spend time clarifying and communicating core values and set the example for all to follow.
2. Inspire a shared vision of the future that invites others to join the cause.
3. Challenge the process - Leaders are constantly searching for new opportunitites for growth while willing to experiment and take risks.
4. Enable others to act by encouraging collaboration and empowering followers for their jobs.
5. Encourage the heart by recognizing the contributions of everyone. Leaders will celebrate the values and victories of their organization and the people in them.

In the future, I intend to follow up on these points from a Christian leadership perspective.

Improving Relationships - Gottman Continued

Given that having a strong marriage is such an important key to staying healthy and happy, it makes sense to direct energy into making your relationship the best that it can be. The investment will truly be worth it. Below are some tips for making your relationship a much healthier one. (These are Gottman's tips as summarized by Poonam Sharma, Ph.D

1. Nurture your friendship. Do you know your spouse’s likes and dislikes Poonam Sharma, Ph.D, dreams, worries, fears and hopes? Do you know in detail what your spouse did all day yesterday? Do you know what types of pressures he or she faces at work? The basis of a good marriage is a solid friendship. If a marriage is not built on a strong friendship, it may be difficult to stay connected over time. Make sure you take some time each day to confide in one another. During these times, make it a priority to listen and learn about your partner’s thoughts, feelings, and ideas.
2. Actively take steps to foster your liking and admiration for your partner. Gottman says this is the antidote to contempt. Remember your partner's good qualities. Why were you attracted to your spouse in the first place? What did you originally love or admire about your partner? By nurturing your fondness for your spouse, you can foster a much more positive attitude toward him or her.
3. Always behave respectfully toward your spouse. In relationships that deteriorate over time, respect becomes increasingly absent. Sadly, sometimes people end up treating their spouses worse than they would ever treat a complete stranger. By tolerating or engaging in disrespectful behavior, you actively contribute to the demise of your relationship. Do you ever call your spouse names? Do you ever berate your partner in front of your friends or family? Do you consider how your spouse will be affected by your cruel comments or actions? Take stock of ways you or your spouse may cross the line of respect. Remember that without respect, love cannot survive.
4. Accept and validate your partner. Recognize how much power you have to build up your spouse up or tear him or her down. You can help make your relationship a safe haven or hell on earth. Remember, everyone needs to feel accepted for who they are as a human being. Instead of attacking your spouse, try to understand his or her point of view. Also, compliment your spouse for ways he or she supports you and your relationship. It’s easy to get so focused on what is wrong in a relationship that you miss what is actually working.
5. Forgive one another. When your partner genuinely reaches out to ask for forgiveness, do not turn away. Hurt feelings and conflict are inevitable at times. When attempts to repair this hurt are repeatedly rejected, the relationship takes a hit. You may need time to let go of a grudge, bitterness, or feelings of hurt, but don’t close the door completely on your partner’s attempts to make things better. Reach deep inside and work on healing together.
6. Calm down. When conflict escalates, people can become “flooded” by strong emotions, leading to physical distress, stonewalling and defensiveness. Take a few deep breaths or call a time out. Most people need about 20 minutes to actually calm their bodies down. Take the time and come back to the issues at hand when you can actually listen to what the other person is saying without being overwhelmed.
7. Let your partner influence you. In general, men are less likely to look for common ground with their wives. Gottman notes "When a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81% chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” Remember that good marriages involve give and take. You are on the same team and need to work together for the sake of your relationship.
8. Warm up your relationship. Keep your relationship healthy by ensuring that there are at least five positive interactions for every negative one. Gottman’s research has identified that a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative ones is linked to the stability of a marriage, no matter what your typical style of resolving conflict. If there is too much negativity, the relationship suffers.
9. Learn to let some things go. Although your spouse may do things that drive you crazy, remember you can cope. It is not worth it to struggle over every little thing. Solve the problems that are solvable and let the others go. You must learn to pick your battles carefully.
10. Don’t forget to work on yourself. A relationship is just like a dance. You move in unison to create something that is truly unique. What type of partner are you? Do you work with your partner or pull hard in another direction? Do you step on her toes? Do you gaze in his eyes or focus only on your next steps? Remember you control 50% of what happens in your relationship. Be sure you are a good partner.

Making Relationships Work

This week, I read an interview in Harvard Business Review with John Gottman, Professor Emeritus from the University of Washington. Although the aim of the article was to focus on interpersonal relationships at work, he drew greatly upon his area of specialty – marital relationship.

Gottman notes that it is not conflict itself that is the problem, but how we handle it. Venting anger constructively can actually help clear the air and get a relationship back in balance. However, conflict becomes a problem when it is characterized by the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt – the most destructive of which is contempt.

1. Criticism. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.” In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.

2. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

3. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

4. Contempt. Contempt is involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect and disgust. And it is very difficult to resolve a conflict with someone when you’re communicating the message that you’re disgusted with him/her. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

Research shows that people in contemptuous relationships are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses, flu, colds, and so on – than other people. Contempt attaches the immune system; fondness and admiration are the antidotes.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.

Divorce: What Happens When a Third Party is Involved

Some more notes from Eva-Maria Zurhorst's book, Love Yourself, And It Doesn't Matter Who You Marry. For the sake of easy ready, I will translate into the masculine gender, but the principles apply to both sexes. And yes, sometimes German sentences are really that long.

The Victim (the one cheated on) had already left the relationship
When one partner leaves, usually the remaining partner had already long left the relationship. That is something that we don't like to admit. We prefer to have clear statements of guilt: The one who leaves is evil, the victim is good. But...it is the victim who often betrays himself (or herself). The victim is often someone who denies any responsibility for himself and convictions. He is often someone who persists in maintaining his high, theoretical demands in the relationship. Someone who doesn't really get involved in a deep, connected manner with a real, non-perfect and sometime unreachable partner. The victim usually feels involuntarily dependent on his partner is some fashion, but doesn't dare anything to counter this dependence, become vulnerable, be open to the truth, and trust their own strength.

And the cheater? Often they describe their unfaithfulness and their married situation, "Finally I feel affirmed! Finally i could drop all my defenses and let down my guard. I don't have to live up to any expectations."

Usually we land in someone else's bed only when our feelings toward our marriage have been accumulating too long and needed expression.

In a three-way relationship we give expression to our inner fears of genuine closeness. The third party never simply comes into one's life by coincidence, but rather when our marriages have become stuck in hard silence or entangled in continual power struggles.

When a third-party appears, it is high time to make a decision - not for a person, but for the truth.

In Triangular Relationships - Three People Are Afraid of Intimacy
The dilemma of a triangle is in reality a cry for a courageous and genuine revlation and coming together.

The third party embodies everything that the victim does not. ... Therefore I encourage the victim to have an honest and open encounter/confrontation with the third person. The purpose here is to examine one's own development and discover "the missing thing(s), that the third-party embodies.

The cheater - the one in the middle - it would have been his task to be on the cutting edge, to dare something new in his marital relationship, to give new direction, to throw out old and destructive patterns of behavior, and to lovingly and patiently inspire his partner and family by bringing them to the next level.

Most Divorces are Superfluous

A couple weeks ago I did a sermon on divorce. In a previous blog, I mentioned the excellent historical-exegetical work of David Instone-Brewer. But I didn't mention the work of a German, secular therapist Eva-Maria Zurhorst, Love Yourself, and It Doesn't Matter Who You Marry. Zurhorst is a former journalist and a word smith in the German language. So I'm not quite sure how the English translators mastered the task. Below are some of my notes - based on the German. From a secular perspective, it is one of the best books arguing for couples to resolve their differences.

Most divorces are superfluous
Marriage is not the gift wrapping for a romance. The true meaning of marriage is always to bring the inner conflicts of both partners into balance.

Your spouse is only playing one role in your play
The true meaning of relationships is always in found in bringing the inner conflicts of both partners into balance. Each relationship, exactly they way it is now, is the optimal place that each partner can find.

So be happy that your most intimate partner presses your buttons so precisely that it hurts. Be grateful he/she is the way they are. For they help bring to your attention those areas in your life that need healing.

Triangular relationships are marked by blurred boundaries

• The one in the middle is doing a balancing act. He/she is for the most part incapable of deciding because both partners appear to embody only half of what he/she is looking for in a spouse.
• The secret lover is longing for the sense of security that the cheated partner normally possesses. The secret lover battles with his/her mistrust. How can he/she really trust a person who is deceiving their spouse?
• The "cheated" spouse - That which is happening behind his/her back reflects - to the vehement denial of the cheated spouse - something about his own inner dynamics: The "victim" withdraws from his marital relationship.
• At the moment in time when the "cheater" focuses on an external relationship, the "victim" has already become unavailable in the marriage.
  
• The "victim" is often the first to leave the relationship.
  

What is Spiritual Health?

Paul Pruyser argues that a healthy spiritual life consist of seven components. All seven dimensions combined provide us with a snapshot of a leader’s spiritual life.

1. Calling. Calling has to do with the sense of purpose. Calling, also known as vocation, has to do with the sense of purpose. In a spiritual context, vocation is not just a person’s career choice or occupation. There is a sense of calling that prompts leaders to make sure that all of their work aligns with their values, no matter how lowly the task may seem. A sense of vocation helps effective leaders put their talents to work as participants in the process that moves the universe toward increasing integrity.
   
   
2. Communion. Communion is has to do with one’s sense of belonging to a greater community. If there is any one bottom line found in all leaders, it is in changing lives. By being involved in social projects and building relationships with one’s neighbors, leaders begin to understand the real needs facing their communities. By virtue of their skills and connections, leaders can partner with civic and social groups to bring about change in their community.
   
   
3. Awareness of the Holy. The definition of holy is something that is “completely other.” What, if anything, is sacred to you? Can you love something / someone outside of yourself? Is there anything you consider as untouchable or unfathomable? Do you perceive yourself as a dependent creature, or are you preoccupied with yourself? If pushed by calamity, for what would you be willing to make any sacrifice? Ultimately the question is, “Is there anything or anyone whom you revere more than yourself?”
   
   
4. Providence. Do you believe that your life fits within a greater scheme of life? A sense of providence may be expressed by your desire for God's guidance. Providence is critically related to the ability to trust (and hope). Without trust, there is no sense of supernatural guidance. Instead, everything in life is happenstance, without rhyme or reason. In times of crisis, do you as a leader possess a calmness in knowing that your life and work fits in a larger scheme of things?
   
   
5. Faith. Faith relates to the leader’s stance in life. Do you embrace the ideals and general pattern of reality? Or do you tend to be a cautious pessimist, full of ifs, buts, and howevers? The question is not only to what a leader commits himself or herself, but whether the leader can commit at all. Faith impacts a leader’s perspective by opening the horizons to new opportunities. In other words, the leader's faith determines his/her view of the future, which in turn is an important factor in planning and vision casting.
   
   
6. Grace or gratefulness. Effective leaders have a sense of grace that finds expression in their kindness and generosity. Graceful leaders appreciate the beauty of giving and receiving, and “getting something for nothing.” People who acknowledge that their talents and abilities, including their physical health, are truly a gift of life – not something to be taken for granted – express their gratefulness by being good stewards of their endowments. They develop and build upon their “giftedness.”
   
   Related to the concept of grace and gratefulness is forgiveness. Effective leaders know when and how to forgive people who have disappointed them. Sometimes leaders focus on their own faults and consider themselves unworthy of forgiveness. As a result, they may work under a full load of guilt feelings. Subsequently, these leaders try to compensate by over performing in hopes of negating their past “sins.” Other leaders who insist on their own self-rejection may wallow in self-pity – almost to the point of narcissism.
   
   The result of this form of narcissism is the lack of feeling any need for grace or having any gratefulness whatsoever. “Who me? I don’t need anyone’s forgiveness.” Or “Well, yes, I have had much success, but I worked hard for every bit of it.” Not surprisingly, these people find it difficult to forgive others. Arrogance then drives the leader into a purely transactional understanding of relationships. Everything is a matter of rights or exchanging wares.
   
   
7. Repentance. Repentence refers to a process of changing one’s behavior. It is more than just feeling sorry and having feelings of regret. Rather, it is what Robert Quinn refers to as "deep change" – a turning away from an ineffective attitude, a shift of mind. Effective leaders know how to turn away from actions and attitudes that treat others unfairly and cause them harm. As a result, we change our ways and commit to a new actions and attitudes that builds and develops others, and ultimately our organizations/ministries. There is a direct relationship between repentance and the ability to learn something new.
   

Divorce and Remarriage

I don't know why it always, but it happens. We have a team of five preachers at our church. But somehow I (along with the pastor) get the more "sensitive" topics. My next sermon will be no different: Divorce. I can't say that I speak from personal experience. But unfortunately it is a major problem in Germany, just as it is in America.

In my research, I came across a book (and subsequently an article based on the book) by David Instone-Brewer. His article, which appeared in Christianity Today's website, has caused quite a stir in some evangelical circles. Indeed, if Instone-Brewer's conclusions are correct, it should cause many of our churches to reconsider their stance on divorce / remarriage -- particularly for those who later desire ministerial credentials.

Below is a snippet of Instone-Brewer's article.

One of my most dramatic findings concerns a question the Pharisees asked Jesus: "Is it lawful to divorce a wife for any cause?" (Matt. 19:3). This question reminded me that a few decades before Jesus, some rabbis (the Hillelites) had invented a new form of divorce called the "any cause" divorce. By the time of Jesus, this "any cause" divorce had become so popular that almost no one relied on the literal Old Testament grounds for divorce.

The "any cause" divorce was invented from a single word in Deuteronomy 24:1. Moses allowed divorce for "a cause of immorality," or, more literally, "a thing of nakedness." Most Jews recognized that this unusual phrase was talking about adultery. But the Hillelite rabbis wondered why Moses had added the word "thing" or "cause" when he only needed to use the word "immorality." They decided this extra word implied another ground for divorce—divorce for "a cause." They argued that anything, including a burnt meal or wrinkles not there when you married your wife, could be a cause! The text, they said, taught that divorce was allowed both for adultery and for "any cause."

Another group of rabbis (the Shammaites) disagreed with this interpretation. They said Moses' words were a single phrase that referred to no type of divorce "except immorality"—and therefore the new "any cause" divorces were invalid. These opposing views were well known to all first-century Jews. And the Pharisees wanted to know where Jesus stood. "Is it lawful to divorce your wife for any cause?" they asked. In other words: "Is it lawful for us to use the 'any cause' divorce?"

When Jesus answered with a resounding no, he wasn't condemning "divorce for any cause," but rather the newly invented "any cause" divorce. Jesus agreed firmly with the second group that the phrase didn't mean divorce was allowable for "immorality" and for "any cause," but that Deutermonomy 24:1 referred to no type of divorce "except immorality."

This was a shocking statement for the crowd and for the disciples. It meant they couldn't get a divorce whenever they wanted it—there had to be a lawful cause. It also meant that virtually every divorced man or women was not really divorced, because most of them had "any cause" divorces. Luke and Matthew summarized the whole debate in one sentence: Any divorced person who remarried was committing adultery (Matt. 5:32; Luke 16:18), because they were still married. The fact that they said "any divorced person" instead of "virtually all divorced people" is typical Jewish hyperbole—like Mark saying that "everyone" in Jerusalem came to be baptized by John (Mark 1:5). It may not be obvious to us, but their first readers understood clearly what they meant.

Within a few decades, however, no one understood these terms any more. Language often changes quickly (as I found out when my children first heard the Flintstones sing about "a gay old time"). The early church, and even Jewish rabbis, forgot what the "any cause" divorce was, because soon after the days of Jesus, it became the only type of divorce on offer. It was simply called divorce. This meant that when Jesus condemned "divorce for 'any cause,' " later generations thought he meant "divorce for any cause."

Three Signs of a Miserable Job

I finished reading Patrick Lencioni's latest, Three Signs of a miserable job. As the title suggests, Lencioni presents a model for developing worker satisfaction, which in turn leads to lower worker turnover and improved organizational performance. Although written for the business environment, Lencioni's principles are just as valid in church ministry. What follows below is a summary of Lencioni's model (pp. 221-222). He also gives a visual summary that can been seen here (and scroll down to the video).

Anonymity
People cannot be fulfilled in their work if they are not known. All humans need to be understood and appreciated for their unique qualities by someone in a position of authority. People who see themselves as invisible, generic or anonymous cannot love their jobs, no matter what they are doing.

Irrelevance
Everyone needs to know that their job matters to someone. Anyone. Without seeing a connection between the work and the satisfaction of another person or group of people, an employee simply will not find lasting fulfillment. Even the most cynical employees need to know that their work matters to someone, even if it's just the boss.

Immeasurement
Employees need to be able to gauge their progress and level of contribution for themselves. They cannot be fulled in their work if their success depends on the opinions or whims of another person, no matter how benevolent that person may be. Without tangibe means of assessing success or failure, motivation eventually deteriorates as people see themselves as unable to control their own fate.

Do I have a miserable job? No.... Mine's fine. But what about those who serve under my leadership? Well, it's time to do some reflecting.

Lencioni - Temptations of a CEO

I've mentioned in earlier entries that I'm a fan of Patrick Lencioni. His first book is called "The Five Temptations of a CEO". The title of the book pretty much sums up the Lencioni's thesis: The difference between mediocre and excellent leaders depends on whether or not a leader falls for one (or more) of five temptations.

Temptation 1: Choosing status over results

• Do you personally consider it a professional failure when your organization fails to meet its objectives?
• Would it bother you greatly if your company exceeded its objectives but you remained somewhat anonymous relative to your peers in the industry?

Temptation 2: Choosing popularity over accountability

• Does it bother you to the point of distraction if they are unhappy with you?
• Do you often find yourself reluctant to give negative feedback to your direct reports? Do you water down negative feedback to make it more palatable?

Temptation 3: Choosing certainty over clarity

• Do you pride yourself on being intellectually precise?
• Do you enjoy debating details with your direct reports during meetings?

Temptation 4: Choosing harmony over productive conflict

• Do you prefer your meetings to be pleasant and enjoyable?
• Are your meetings often boring?
• Do you get uncomfortable at meetings if your direct reports argue?

Temptation 5: Choosing invulnerability over trust

• Do you have a hard time admitting when you're wrong?
• Do you fear that your direct reports want your job?
• Do you try to keep your greatest weaknesses secret from your direct reports?
  

Temptations for Leaders

Seven Personal Fronts of Attack (notes from Carson Pue's, Mentoring Leaders)

1. The inclination to pride
1. Leaders can hide the inclination toward pride quite well. The most obvious manifestation appears among those who hold themselves in too high esteem. Others often know what they are doing, but their presumption is so powerful that it is seldom challenged -- no one is close enough to do so.
2. Another sign of pride is when leaders talk about the things of the spiritual life rather than actually training and mentoring others in how to put into practice these lessons themselves. The shadow side of this leaning is to condemn those who challenge or question their approach to spirituality.
3. Leaders who have slipped to the inclination of pride cannot stand rivalry. Once pride has entered into their lives and leadership, if a rival or challenger appears, they will find ways to condemn and belittle that person until the threat is reduced or removed.
4. A distracting strategy is to have prideful leaders season their talk and lifestyle with expressions of their own contributions. They tell the same stories repeatedly about their good works and their success. when you listen to them, you are not sure if they are trying to convince themselves and seeking your approval to boost their sense of security, or if they are so full of themselves that this is all that can flow from their mouths.
5. From pride springs envy, which betrays itself by the amount of displeasure they take in learning of the spiritual good others are doing -- especially in ministry areas closely related to the ones they are called to.
   
2. Sensuality
1. The demands of ministry may offer fertile ground for compensatory "feel good" behaviors that meet emotional needs. These may include misusing food for comfort, altering mood by alcohol or other drugs, sexual escapism in pornography, or seeking satisfaction through inappropriate relationships.
2. An "emotional buzz" from a relationship may be experienced positively, but is nonetheless seductive by meeting non-conscious emotional needs without being considered "sexual" in the same way that overt sexual contact is judged negatively. This is often the start of a slide down the slippery slope toward serious relational and ministry betrayals.
   
3. Leaders disguise this sensual lust by cloaking it in spiritual overtones and words.
4. One outward appearance is a leader seeking either sentimental or sensual friendship with another person (most frequently of the opposite gender) under the pretext of ministry - either ministering together or the leader ministering to the one from whom the relationship is sought. These leaders speak of the relationship as something that is intended to evoke the respect and admiration of others. Often they talk about it as publicly as they can to diffuse their own sense of concern or worry about being caught - or of someone being able to look through them or "read their mail".
   
3. Spiritual excess
1. Spiritual excess is usually exemplified in one of two ways: (1) an excessive craving for consolation, or (2) the constant need to confess something.
   
2. Leaders never confess the sin that is at the core of their problem but rather they confess something that is an attempt to draw themselves close to you without revealing the innermost thoughts of their sinful behavior.
3. Leaders in this state make extra efforts to appear spiritual and do so by sharing something they say they are learning currently.
4. Their souls are more attached to the attention they get from the consolations and the support of others than from God himself.
   
4. Spiritualized lust
1. This is craving after spiritual things because of the feelings attached to it. This spiritualized lust is nurtured while doing "good things" like attending prayer meetings and while ministering with someone at church or in the ministry organization.
2. At times of prayer, sensual feelings can be produced. Prayer is an intimate experience and the feeling of intimacy is akin to the feelings of sexual intimacy.
   
5. Tiredness and sloth
1. Symptoms of these are weariness in performing even the most elementary of the spiritual disciplines. Reading God's Word, prayer, devotional meditation, and even public worship are not relished.
   
6. Surrounding with abundance (of resources and opportunities)
1. This includes an abundance of spiritual books, readings, and research that consume all of the leader's time and energy and leave nothing for personal interior work.
   
2. This is particularly appealing distraction to the more scholarly leaders who have been trained in and are drawn toward academic study rather than introspection of their own soul life.
3. Another abundance - taking on too many duties and responsibilities.
4. Another variation - when talented leaders are surrounded by opportunities and end up quitting one thing for another, changing, exchanging, arranging, and rearranging until finally settling on something that is usually expensive financially and in terms of human resource costs -- and often not as effective in the long run.
5. Technology - time on computers, Internet, etc
   
7. Lukewarmness - Anemia - The Symptoms
1. Gradual weakening of your ministry energy and spiritual desire
2. A blinding of your conscience - judgment becomes warped.
3. Gradual weakening of the will - making concessions that were once unheard of.
4. No desire to work hard at repairing - dodging and avoiding restorations attempts
5. Letting yourself slide in every respect - often this appears with changes in physical appearance

Spiritual Danger Zones in Leadership

• reliance on own gifts
• fear of humankind (people pleasing)
• perfectionism
• lack of conflict resolution skills or avoidance of conflict
• lack of accountability
• ignoring evil or lack of understanding how evil works
• unawareness of how to guard against sexual misconduct
• empire building
• need for recognition
• need to control
• lack of trust / intimacy with God (solitude, etc.)
• inability to set boundaries (to say no)
• inability to delegate
• lack of discernment
  

Mentoring Leaders

I just finished Carson Pue's Mentoring leaders: Wisdom for developing character, calling and competency. Pue presides over Arrow Leadership Ministries, an international ministry founded by Leighton Ford based in Canada.

Pue's emphasis has been on mentoring individual leaders through their consulting ministry. But his insights can be helpful for any local church, or for that matter, any seminary whose sole purpose is to train church leaders.

Here are some of my notes from the book.

Five Phases of the Mentoring Matrix

1. Self-awareness - deep-seated understanding of who we are as children of God though Jesus Christ
2. Freeing Up - disentangling ourselves from those things that hold us back and having our needs fully met by Jesus
3. Visioneering - discovering God's purpose for our lives
4. Implementing - beginning purposeful in how we live and lead
5. Sustaining - learning how to realize our purpose and maintain zeal for ministry

Starting with Self-Awareness
"The most significant thing in navigation - the very most important piece of information - is knowing exactly where you are."

Daniel Goleman places a great deal of emphasis on the importance of being able to recognize feelings and sees this as central to his measurement of what he calls emotional intelligence. "Self-awareness - recognizing a feeling as it happens - is the keystone of emotional intelligence ... the ability to monitor feelings from moment to moment is crucial to psychological insight and self-understanding. An inability to notice our true feelings leaves us at their mercy. People with greater certainty about their feelings are better pilots of their lives, having a surer sense of how they really feel about personal decisions from whom they marry to what job they to take."

What keeps leaders from Self-Awareness?

• Lack of feedback. It seems that the higher one rises up the ladder of leadership, the less feedback one receives. The battles of being a leader cause us to become isolated.
• Seminaries have not historically been strong in the feedback area themselves. They are caught between their deep desire to provide foundational content and doing anything that might cause a student to withdraw from school.
• Insecurity. Insecurity breeds misleadership. It erodes confidence within leaders and makes it very difficult for them to leader others. It can also surface during times of great success, not just in negative times.
  
• Busyness. Most leaders function at high rpm. Problem: We can actually get addicted to the adrenaline rush of our leadership. When this happens, we do whatever we can, unconsciously, to feed our need for adrenaline. It actually feels good! Problem: no time for reflection.

How at peace are you?
Once leaders have a clear understanding of their place as a child of God, there is a new peace or shalom that embodies their life and their leadership. Anxiety and drivenness decrease as we mature in our spiritual walk, while at the same time, there is an increase of that inner sense of peace. When leaders lead out of peace rather than frenetic activity, fewer people are hurt and the work of the Lord is multiplied in ways unimaginable.

Just Walk Across the Room

My latest book on my reading list is Bill Hybels' Just Walk Across the Room. I've read several of Hybels' books such as Descending into Greatness, and Courageous Leadership. But I would rank this book as perhaps his best motivational book - motivation for each Christ-follower to share the story of Christ with his/her non-believing friends.

I wouldn't categorize this book as a textbook on how to "do" personal evangelism. Hybels and Mark Mittelberg already wrote a book on that topic - Courageous Christianity. But Just a Walk gives a better insight into Hybels' way of thinking through the process of sharing his testimony with none believers. Along the way, there are a couple of exercises plus the reflection questions at the end of each chapter that easily helps the individual reader as well as small groups who use this material as a study.

How Close Knit is Your Leadership Team?

Not too long ago, I was talking with a pastor who was having some difficulties with his leadership team (various ministry leaders). It quickly became apparent that his team was not all "on the same page." While reading today, I thought of this pastor's situation, and also reflected on our teams in Eastern Europe.

Lencioni contends that the cohesiveness of the leadership team is more important than strategies and plans. But how do you know if your leadership team is really cohesive? He suggest that each leader to ask himself/herself the following questions:

• Are meetings compelling? Are the important issues being discussed during meetings? A lack of interest during meetings is a pretty good indication that the team may be avoiding issues because they are uncomfortable with one another. And there is no excuse for continually holding boring meetings.
  
  
• Do team members engage in unguarded debate? Do they honestly confront one another? If not, it is likely that there is a lack of trust.
  
  
• Do team members apologize if they get out of line? Do they ever get out of line? Teams that can genuinely forgive and ask forgiveness develop powerful trust.
  
  
• Do team members understand one another? Members of cohesive teams know one another's strengths and weaknesses and don't hesitate to point them out. They also know each others backgrounds, giving them insight to their behaviors and thinking patterns.
  
  
• Do team members avoid gossiping about one another? This is not to be confused with talk about others that is intended to be harmful. Ironically, members of cohesive teams are not overly concerned about the prospect of their colleagues' discussing them in their absence if it is in the best interest of the team.
  

Lencioni's Obsessions of an Extraordinary Executive

I've been working my way through yet another Lencioni classic: The Four Obsession of an Extraordinary Executive. In his usual fashion, Lencioni begins with a fable describing a realistic scenario.

In this book, Lencioni focuses on what leaders do to make their organizations healthy -- to have a healthy climate/culture. Essentially, there are four disciplines exercised by leaders of a healthy organization:

1. Build and maintain a cohesive leadership team.
2. Create organizational clarity
3. Over communicate organizational clarity
4. Reinforce organizational clarity through human systems
   

Although each of these points are critical, and are usually followed in the order presented, I was struck by the importance of the second step. A healthy church minimizes the potential for confusion by clarifying ...

• why this particular congregation exists
• which behavioral values are fundamental
• what its specific calling and ministry is
  
• who the competition is (and this may or may not be another local church)
• what it plans to achieve
• who is responsible for what

Sounds simple, doesn't it? But the consistent application of each of Lencioni's steps is hard work.