Making Relationships Work

This week, I read an interview in Harvard Business Review with John Gottman, Professor Emeritus from the University of Washington. Although the aim of the article was to focus on interpersonal relationships at work, he drew greatly upon his area of specialty – marital relationship.

Gottman notes that it is not conflict itself that is the problem, but how we handle it. Venting anger constructively can actually help clear the air and get a relationship back in balance. However, conflict becomes a problem when it is characterized by the presence of what Gottman calls the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt – the most destructive of which is contempt.

1. Criticism. Criticism involves attacking your partner’s personality or character, rather than focusing on the specific behavior that bothers you. It is healthy to air disagreements, but not to attack your spouse’s personality or character in the process. This is the difference between saying, “I’m upset that you didn’t take out the trash” and saying, “I can’t believe you didn’t take out the trash. You’re just so irresponsible.” In general, women are more likely to pull this horseman into conflict.

2. Defensiveness. Adopting a defensive stance in the middle of conflict may be a natural response, but does not help the relationship. When a person is defensive, he or she often experiences a great deal of tension and has difficulty tuning into what is being said. Denying responsibility, making excuses, or meeting one complaint with another are all examples of defensiveness.

3. Stonewalling. People who stonewall simply refuse to respond. Occasional stonewalling can be healthy, but as a typical way of interacting, stonewalling during conflict can be destructive to the marriage. When you stonewall on a regular basis, you are pulling yourself out of the marriage, rather than working out your problems. Men tend to engage in stonewalling much more often than women do.

4. Contempt. Contempt is involves tearing down or being insulting toward your partner. Contempt is an open sign of disrespect and disgust. And it is very difficult to resolve a conflict with someone when you’re communicating the message that you’re disgusted with him/her. Examples of contempt include: putting down your spouse, rolling your eyes or sneering, or tearing down the other person with so-called “humor.”

Research shows that people in contemptuous relationships are more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses, flu, colds, and so on – than other people. Contempt attaches the immune system; fondness and admiration are the antidotes.

All couples will engage in these types of behaviors at some point in their marriage, but when the four horsemen take permanent residence, the relationship has a high likelihood of failing. In fact, Gottman’s research reveals that the chronic presence of these four factors in a relationship can be used to predict, with over 80% accuracy, which couples will eventually divorce. When attempts to repair the damage done by these horsemen are met with repeated rejection, Gottman says there is over a 90% chance the relationship will end in divorce.