Divorce: What Happens When a Third Party is Involved

Some more notes from Eva-Maria Zurhorst's book, Love Yourself, And It Doesn't Matter Who You Marry. For the sake of easy ready, I will translate into the masculine gender, but the principles apply to both sexes. And yes, sometimes German sentences are really that long.

The Victim (the one cheated on) had already left the relationship
When one partner leaves, usually the remaining partner had already long left the relationship. That is something that we don't like to admit. We prefer to have clear statements of guilt: The one who leaves is evil, the victim is good. But...it is the victim who often betrays himself (or herself). The victim is often someone who denies any responsibility for himself and convictions. He is often someone who persists in maintaining his high, theoretical demands in the relationship. Someone who doesn't really get involved in a deep, connected manner with a real, non-perfect and sometime unreachable partner. The victim usually feels involuntarily dependent on his partner is some fashion, but doesn't dare anything to counter this dependence, become vulnerable, be open to the truth, and trust their own strength.

And the cheater? Often they describe their unfaithfulness and their married situation, "Finally I feel affirmed! Finally i could drop all my defenses and let down my guard. I don't have to live up to any expectations."

Usually we land in someone else's bed only when our feelings toward our marriage have been accumulating too long and needed expression.

In a three-way relationship we give expression to our inner fears of genuine closeness. The third party never simply comes into one's life by coincidence, but rather when our marriages have become stuck in hard silence or entangled in continual power struggles.

When a third-party appears, it is high time to make a decision - not for a person, but for the truth.

In Triangular Relationships - Three People Are Afraid of Intimacy
The dilemma of a triangle is in reality a cry for a courageous and genuine revlation and coming together.

The third party embodies everything that the victim does not. ... Therefore I encourage the victim to have an honest and open encounter/confrontation with the third person. The purpose here is to examine one's own development and discover "the missing thing(s), that the third-party embodies.

The cheater - the one in the middle - it would have been his task to be on the cutting edge, to dare something new in his marital relationship, to give new direction, to throw out old and destructive patterns of behavior, and to lovingly and patiently inspire his partner and family by bringing them to the next level.

Ukraine: The Bible Belt of the Former Soviet Union

The other day, I was talking with a local pastor (here in Germany) about our work in the former USSR. We couldn't help but to notice the differences between the development of Pentecostalism/Evangelicalism in Ukraine and in Russia. Without a doubt, the revival fires have been strong in Ukraine. Russian, on the other hand, has experienced slower growth. Even to this day, it is easier for our church to send missionaries and humanitarian aid from Christian organizations to Ukraine than Russia

And then today I see that Christianity Today has an article about the church in Ukraine. If you want to read the article in full length, simple click here.

How did evangelicalism become such a big deal in Ukraine?

Following the collapse of the Soviet Union and a discrediting of an atheist policy and a realization that the secularization of Soviet society was perhaps a mistake, there was renewed interest in a variety of religious traditions.

Evangelicalism in particular garnered a lot of interest after the collapse of Communism, first because it was so anti-Soviet — in the former Soviet Union as well as elsewhere, such as in the United States — and secondly, because huge numbers of American and other Western missionaries came to the former Soviet Union. That assisted in the development of not just awareness of evangelicalism, but even of evangelical infrastructure like seminaries and printing of all kinds of religious literature.

The third reason I would say was the charitable outreach of both evangelical missionaries as well as of evangelical communities, and that charitable outreach was very much appreciated and urgently needed, given that after the collapse of Communism, the social service sector pretty much suffered a similar level of collapse.

Fourth, evangelical prescriptions on morality — what is right and what is wrong — arrived at a moment when the population was quite prepared to hear them.

There are more evangelicals now than there were then. Who are today's Ukrainian evangelicals?

The people who are filling evangelical churches these days are overwhelmingly new converts, and that's because after the collapse of Communism, it was possible to immigrate to the United States as a refugee, if one could prove a history of past persecution, which a great many evangelicals could. Which created something of a quandary back in the former Soviet Union. At precisely the moment when there was all this interest in religion and in particular in

Why is Ukraine an evangelical center?

The laws and the bureaucracy in Ukraine have created circumstances that are far more conducive to missionizing, and they're far more welcoming of the arrival of missionaries and religious leaders from elsewhere, as well as the arrival of humanitarian aid and allowing local religious organizations to distribute that aid. So, the legal and bureaucratic environment that's been created in Ukraine is far more welcoming to foreign religious organizations but also to the functioning of local religious organizations.

Is there still a feeling that evangelicals are very much on the fringe, that they are cultish?

Yes. I would say overall there's a fairly negative still impression of evangelical faith.

However this is really beginning to change. For example, the current mayor of Kiev is an openly practicing Pentecostal believer. And there are several members of parliament who are of a Baptist tradition, and for a while there the head of the KGB was an openly practicing Baptist. So it's important to note that it is beginning to change as people who are very open and upfront about their religious faith are actually choosing to acknowledge that they practice an evangelical faith.

That's even occurring among standard politicians, where it's become more accepted and maybe even expected that politicians will state their position on religion.

Most Divorces are Superfluous

A couple weeks ago I did a sermon on divorce. In a previous blog, I mentioned the excellent historical-exegetical work of David Instone-Brewer. But I didn't mention the work of a German, secular therapist Eva-Maria Zurhorst, Love Yourself, and It Doesn't Matter Who You Marry. Zurhorst is a former journalist and a word smith in the German language. So I'm not quite sure how the English translators mastered the task. Below are some of my notes - based on the German. From a secular perspective, it is one of the best books arguing for couples to resolve their differences.

Most divorces are superfluous
Marriage is not the gift wrapping for a romance. The true meaning of marriage is always to bring the inner conflicts of both partners into balance.

Your spouse is only playing one role in your play
The true meaning of relationships is always in found in bringing the inner conflicts of both partners into balance. Each relationship, exactly they way it is now, is the optimal place that each partner can find.

So be happy that your most intimate partner presses your buttons so precisely that it hurts. Be grateful he/she is the way they are. For they help bring to your attention those areas in your life that need healing.

Triangular relationships are marked by blurred boundaries

• The one in the middle is doing a balancing act. He/she is for the most part incapable of deciding because both partners appear to embody only half of what he/she is looking for in a spouse.
• The secret lover is longing for the sense of security that the cheated partner normally possesses. The secret lover battles with his/her mistrust. How can he/she really trust a person who is deceiving their spouse?
• The "cheated" spouse - That which is happening behind his/her back reflects - to the vehement denial of the cheated spouse - something about his own inner dynamics: The "victim" withdraws from his marital relationship.
• At the moment in time when the "cheater" focuses on an external relationship, the "victim" has already become unavailable in the marriage.
  
• The "victim" is often the first to leave the relationship.
  

Russia: They Put the Red in Redtape

Bureaucracies in every country are known for their red-tape. In my last entry, I noted that our seminary has renewed it registration with the Federal Registration Services. This registration gives us the legal right to exist as an organization.

Yesterday, we submitted our application with the Ministry of Education that will officially grant us an additional status of an undergraduate school (and not just a religious organization that does seminars). Very quickly we were asked which organization is applying for a license. See if you can figure it out.

• Religious Organization Eurasian Theological Seminary of Association of Christians of Evangelical Faith "Church of God"
• Religious Organization "Eurasian Theological Seminary of Association of Christians of Evangelical Faith "Church of God"

One version (without the extra quotation mark) is in our legally binding constitution, the other version is in the certificate from the Registration Services. Such precision can only be truly appreciated by a lawyer. (And this is true of lawyers all around the globe.)

So....we are faced with a challenge of changing " -- our bid for an academic license could stumble because of "

To be fair, the authorities are working with us in making the corrections. And for this fact, I am thankful that we have been given divine favor in Moscow. Unfortunately, other former countries use such tactics to make evangelical ministries cease and desist.

Our Seminary Has Been Re-Registered

Some exciting news from Moscow. Our school - The Eurasian Theological Seminary in Moscow received its Certificate of Registration this past Friday. The seminary had already been registered as a religious organization, but we applied for a change in status (actually, an enhancement in status) that will enable us to apply for our license with the Russian Ministry of Education. We will apply for that license today (21 January).

Although we are celebrating, we still covet your prayers for the licensing process. This is Russia, and many people still view evangelicals with suspicion. (Well, there are some Newspapers in American that still hold evangelicals with disdain.) And Russian bureaucracy has just as much red tape as any other country.

After filing today, we expect that it will take up to 10 days for the registration of the application. Within the next two months, we hope to have a visit from an "expert committee" comprised of representatives from various government agencies. If they approve of us and our application, it will take another month before we have our license in our hands.

As you can see, it is a lengthy process and we must be ready for the unexpected. Please pray for Mr. Alexander Gruzkov, chair of the expert committee. He is also the Director for the Federal Licensing Office. As you can imagine, his decision will be vital.

Mac vs. PC: The war has now reached World Missions

Our sponsoring organization has just posted a new video on YouTube. It's simply a parody from the famous Apple commercials in the States. I haven't learned the background or the strategy behind the video or how it will be employed. But, for the meantime, I'll enjoy it for what it is.

Birthdays and Back Problems

During the past two weeks, we have celebrated three birthdays. Brianna turned 9 last week; this week the twins (Colin and Kevin) turned twelve - and kicked off the countdown to becoming a teenager. Claudia has done a great job of organizing birthday parties and get togethers. And it has kept me busy, too....for a small price.

While watching the twins play on their new Wii, my back went out on me. I have a history of a slipping disc, but it's been several years since it has been this bad. The timing was pretty ironic, too. I was just being treated for a heel spur (with new arch supports, etc.). I guess my body posture was overcompensating for the heel spur....well, you can figure out the rest.

As a result, I've been out of commission - and the blog reflects that.

Life in Russia

In the States, the press has covered much about the politics of Vladimir Putin. But very few of the major networks have said much about Russia's economy. Moscow has been regarded as one of the world's most expensive cities.

As the chief administrator of our Bible school in Moscow, I must pay attention not only to dollar exchange rates (and the dollar has been slipping against all currencies for a long time, now), but also to the changes in the local economy. Since 2006, the rate of inflation (consumer price index) has averaged at more than 10% annually. 2007 was no exception. Below is an excerpt from Forbes about Russia's economy.

Russia's political stability ... has resulted in job creation and stimulated economic growth, which is now approaching 8%. (Tom's note - the GDP is 8% -- which is huge) ....

One negative trend of 2007 is the steady rise in prices of consumer goods and food, a very dangerous development. The consumer price index surged 12%, but the price of certain foods has risen at a much faster pace--vegetable oil increasing by 150%, butter by 40%, milk by 30%, and grains and bread by 25%. This is not the result of a worldwide increase in food prices--Russian food prices are growing faster than world prices, even faster than in neighboring emerging market economies like China and India.

The rise in consumer prices is a result of increases in salaries, pensions, stipends and other social spending at a pace much higher than what economic growth allowed. This puts more rubles in the hands of Russians, but decreases the purchasing power of the currency.

The ironic thing: the average salary in Moscow is less than $800 / month. Go figure.

S Rozdestvom Khristovym!C Рождестве Христовом!

Today is Christmas in Russia and the Orthodox countries that still use a Julian calendar for religious holidays. Below is a video of the ringing of the bells at Christ the Saviour Church in Moscow - the central church for Russian Orthodoxy. I've been to this church many times, observing its beautiful artwork and celebrating its history. (The building was destroyed by the communists and the grounds was turned into a huge swimming pool. But after the fall of communism, the Orthodox church reclaimed the territory and rebuilt the building.)

So... Merry Christmas