Most Divorces are Superfluous

A couple weeks ago I did a sermon on divorce. In a previous blog, I mentioned the excellent historical-exegetical work of David Instone-Brewer. But I didn't mention the work of a German, secular therapist Eva-Maria Zurhorst, Love Yourself, and It Doesn't Matter Who You Marry. Zurhorst is a former journalist and a word smith in the German language. So I'm not quite sure how the English translators mastered the task. Below are some of my notes - based on the German. From a secular perspective, it is one of the best books arguing for couples to resolve their differences.

Most divorces are superfluous
Marriage is not the gift wrapping for a romance. The true meaning of marriage is always to bring the inner conflicts of both partners into balance.

Your spouse is only playing one role in your play
The true meaning of relationships is always in found in bringing the inner conflicts of both partners into balance. Each relationship, exactly they way it is now, is the optimal place that each partner can find.

So be happy that your most intimate partner presses your buttons so precisely that it hurts. Be grateful he/she is the way they are. For they help bring to your attention those areas in your life that need healing.

Triangular relationships are marked by blurred boundaries

• The one in the middle is doing a balancing act. He/she is for the most part incapable of deciding because both partners appear to embody only half of what he/she is looking for in a spouse.
• The secret lover is longing for the sense of security that the cheated partner normally possesses. The secret lover battles with his/her mistrust. How can he/she really trust a person who is deceiving their spouse?
• The "cheated" spouse - That which is happening behind his/her back reflects - to the vehement denial of the cheated spouse - something about his own inner dynamics: The "victim" withdraws from his marital relationship.
• At the moment in time when the "cheater" focuses on an external relationship, the "victim" has already become unavailable in the marriage.
  
• The "victim" is often the first to leave the relationship.